Road Rage-"What Not To Do"

My friend Shameonyou21 sent me this e-mail. I felt it was rather appropriate since I have felt like doing this at times. I have cleaned it up a bit, so if I happen to miss a word or two, I apologize ahead of time.

Shameonyou21 Said:

Ok... so on my Yahoo page, I have a blog by this comedian chick in new york that I read on occasion cause she occassionally makes me laugh my butt off. This is a blog entry she wrote a couple of days ago that just really amused me. Just a warning, there is some explicit language do to the fact that it was about a very stressful situation with a fellow new yorker. If you sit in traffic, you gotta read this:

The power of loooooove!

so i get this "john groom's positive quote of the day" sent to me:

POSITIVE QUOTE OF THE DAY -----------------------------

I will make love my greatest weapon and none on who I call can defend against its force....My love will melt all hearts liken to the sun whose rays soften the coldest day.

-- Og Mandino

hmmmmm... well, after screaming at the jack*** guy in the minivan behind me who kept honking at me to turn right into mega traffic and then almost slamming my fist into his skull this morning as i screamed "TAKE YOUR F***ING NINE YEAR OLD PIECE OF CRAP MINIVAN THAT YOU DRIVE YOUR RETARDED KIDS TO SPECIAL OLYMPICS SOCCER IN AND GO HOME AND JACK OFF, FAGGOT..."

yeah, i suppose i haven't really made "love" my strongest weapon today..

let me rewind (i'll pretend i am quentin tarantino by starting with the ending above)

the light turned yellow, so i yielded then stopped since i was not about to plow my Phooka into the traffic...

minivan guy behind me starts honking (i have mini top down, mind you)

i raise my arm like "what the heck do you expect me to do? wreck my car? i'm stopping" (didn't say it at that point)

he starts yelling "YOU F***ING WOMAN!"

--- okay.... um... did he jus--- oh hell no... at this point my blood pressure rises partially because of the full moon still wafting in the atmosphere... and my uterus' ears perked up and said "ess-cus' me? oh no he di'int!" --- seriously, i felt my uterus waggle it's head in a very urban motion... i digress, where was i? --------

riiiiiight.... "you f***ing woman!"

then he proceeds to yell "IT'S RIGHT ON RED B**CH!"

my fallopian tubes have now rolled their sleeves up and started clenching their fists...

i sit (first off, because there's f***ing traffic, and even though it's right on red, it doesn't mean drive into a crapload of cars ---- and second, i sit just to see the vein in his forehead become visible in my rearview mirror)

i yell back "I AM NOT BUSTING MY CAR UP JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE IMPATIENT!"

he opens his minivan door (looks like the window doesn't roll down more than an inch on the driver's side.) and he starts screaming "WHAT DID YOU SAY, TWAT?" then closes his door

the left ovaries have now started in and are murmuring to each other "did he say 'twat'? seriously? the guy's in his 40s and he said twat? oh man, shit's going down"

woman in the car next to me - around 60 - yells to me "go get him, honey, what a prick"

the light is unbelievably STILL red.

i flip him my british "f" off sign (i DO drive a Mini, I may as well do the brit thing) and yell "WHY DON'T YOU GO AROUND ME, HEAD INTO TRAFFIC AND DIE - DO US ALL A FAVOUR" (not nice, but my netherregions made me say it)

he opens his door again and i see him start to get out of his piece of crap minivan

i yell "YOU ARE GOING TO WANT TO SAVE YOUR LIFE AND STEP BACK INSIDE YOUR PILE OF CRAP CAR RIGHT NOW IF YOU KNOW WHAT IS GOOD FOR YOU!"

he does.

light turns green.

i turn right.

as does he.

he's still behind me. we take the jughandle and are now at a light - he is now on my left side - (his passenger side window DOES roll down)

"YOU'D BETTER LEARN TO F***ING DRIVE, IT'S A RIGHT ON RED LIGHT B**CH."

now, he's screaming like a frigging fishmonger.

i - in my best harpie/fishmonger voice - scream back "LISTEN YOU MISERABLE LITTLE TOOL, I AM IN NO WAY JEOPARDIZING MY $25,000 CAR JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE A BUG UP YOUR ASS AND ARE IN A HURRY. BY THE WAY, NICE DENT ON THIS SIDE OF YOUR CAR!"

light turns green. he gets behind me and is tailgaiting... i tap my brakes to piss him off (oh come on, like you wouldn't snap at this point?) oh, and i may have slowed down to the same speed as the car on my left so he was totally blocked behind us. heh.

then i punched the gas and went into the left lane... and then there was another red light ) seriously i live in a town riddled with traffic lights....

he pulls up next to me on the right. and i hear him saying something through the 1 inch crack of a window and i smile sweetly, flip my american bird at him and mouth " 'f' you, loser"...

he now opens his car door and yells "YOU'RE STILL TALKING CUNT?"

and now, scroll back up to the beginning of the post for what I said back to him....

and then he turned right.... i went straight.

my fallopians high fived each other and my uterus gave a sigh of relief.

Lake Powell Adventures

Ok, so my adventures this summer at Lake Powell have finally begun. The not so fun part of it is, I am in the middle of the dessert with an extremely ghetto living situation. I don't know what I am going to do! Just kidding it isn't all that bad. I can do anything for about three months right?

I mean, I don't have to have cable, or a wireless internet connection in my room, nor do I have to have more than one working computer to share between 6000 employees the entire summer in the common room that smells like poo. I guess I can drive 20 minutes to the nearest town, and use the internet in the public library to post messages on my blog for my friends to be able to keep track of what I am doing for the summer right?

Does this mean I am spoiled because I don't like having to do all of these things? I probably have been spoiled, and I should be grateful for any communication with the outside world besides the US Postal Service. Gosh I am a shallow person!

Just a note for all of you who actually check this on a regular basis. Now that work has started and I have to make a little trip to be able to use the computers, I will try to post often, but in all honesty, I wouldn't expect more than one per week. Sorry if this inconveniences anyone, but that is just the way it is gonna be!

Here are a few pictures of my surroundings. I will try to get more once things sort of stabalize a bit and a routine is set. As of right now, I am one of two evening pastry chefs. Things are kind of boring right now because we are still in the beginning of the season, but I will report more on that once things pick up a bit. My shift is from about 2-10 p.m. right now (Arizona time, which is one hour behind Utah time. They are the same time all year round. No DST here!) and I am possibly looking to get a morning job, just to stay busy. I am so tired of sitting around in my "hole" doing nothing but watching episodes of "That 70's Show" and various other DVD movies which we brought with us and bought down there at Walmart (all of which have been watched by this point).

We came down last Friday because they told us that would be the only way to get into our rooms. Human Resources closed by 5 p.m. and would remain closed all weekend. Orientation started early Monday, so in order to avoid getting up at dawn and driving five hours to make it on time. All we did was go to Denny's, and Walmart a few times and just wander around Page, AZ. to give us something to do. We bought a Sega Street Fighter Game that you just plug straight in to the TV. I tell you, we got very desperate!!! Well, here are a few pics to give you an idea of what it is like around here.

This is one view around the dorms where we stay.
No one ever said this place was ugly!


But somebody should have said this place was long ago. "THE HOLE" as
we have affectionately deemed it. This is a view from the doorway. There is
another dresser to the right of the one in the picture.


Another view of my room from the opposite wall.
We bought tri-fold lounge chairs (the blue thing against the wall)
to watch TV or play our video game. That wasn't the
original intention, but since the actual water is a 30-40
minute walk from the dorms, we improvised a bit.

Just a quick update since I originally wrote this post. Things were going along alright down here until a couple of days ago when my friend/roommate decided she hated her job after two days and called her parents to come get her. She left yesterday afternoon. This is going to be an interesting summer since the majority of the people here are drunkards when they aren't working. Hey, now that is a new way of meeting lots of new friends while I am here...pick up a new habit! Yeah right. Either this is going to suck hard, or it will be a new, fun, and challenging experience for me. Three months is a long time when you are stuck in a "hole" with nothing but four DVD's you have already watched. Maybe I should steal some from my family when I go home next.