Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Road Rage-"What Not To Do"

My friend Shameonyou21 sent me this e-mail. I felt it was rather appropriate since I have felt like doing this at times. I have cleaned it up a bit, so if I happen to miss a word or two, I apologize ahead of time.

Shameonyou21 Said:

Ok... so on my Yahoo page, I have a blog by this comedian chick in new york that I read on occasion cause she occassionally makes me laugh my butt off. This is a blog entry she wrote a couple of days ago that just really amused me. Just a warning, there is some explicit language do to the fact that it was about a very stressful situation with a fellow new yorker. If you sit in traffic, you gotta read this:

The power of loooooove!

so i get this "john groom's positive quote of the day" sent to me:

POSITIVE QUOTE OF THE DAY -----------------------------

I will make love my greatest weapon and none on who I call can defend against its force....My love will melt all hearts liken to the sun whose rays soften the coldest day.

-- Og Mandino


hmmmmm... well, after screaming at the jack*** guy in the minivan behind me who kept honking at me to turn right into mega traffic and then almost slamming my fist into his skull this morning as i screamed "TAKE YOUR F***ING NINE YEAR OLD PIECE OF CRAP MINIVAN THAT YOU DRIVE YOUR RETARDED KIDS TO SPECIAL OLYMPICS SOCCER IN AND GO HOME AND JACK OFF, FAGGOT..."

yeah, i suppose i haven't really made "love" my strongest weapon today..

let me rewind (i'll pretend i am quentin tarantino by starting with the ending above)

the light turned yellow, so i yielded then stopped since i was not about to plow my Phooka into the traffic...

minivan guy behind me starts honking (i have mini top down, mind you)

i raise my arm like "what the heck do you expect me to do? wreck my car? i'm stopping" (didn't say it at that point)

he starts yelling "YOU F***ING WOMAN!"

--- okay.... um... did he jus--- oh hell no... at this point my blood pressure rises partially because of the full moon still wafting in the atmosphere... and my uterus' ears perked up and said "ess-cus' me? oh no he di'int!" --- seriously, i felt my uterus waggle it's head in a very urban motion... i digress, where was i? --------

riiiiiight.... "you f***ing woman!"

then he proceeds to yell "IT'S RIGHT ON RED B**CH!"

my fallopian tubes have now rolled their sleeves up and started clenching their fists...

i sit (first off, because there's f***ing traffic, and even though it's right on red, it doesn't mean drive into a crapload of cars ---- and second, i sit just to see the vein in his forehead become visible in my rearview mirror)

i yell back "I AM NOT BUSTING MY CAR UP JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE IMPATIENT!"

he opens his minivan door (looks like the window doesn't roll down more than an inch on the driver's side.) and he starts screaming "WHAT DID YOU SAY, TWAT?" then closes his door

the left ovaries have now started in and are murmuring to each other "did he say 'twat'? seriously? the guy's in his 40s and he said twat? oh man, shit's going down"

woman in the car next to me - around 60 - yells to me "go get him, honey, what a prick"

the light is unbelievably STILL red.

i flip him my british "f" off sign (i DO drive a Mini, I may as well do the brit thing) and yell "WHY DON'T YOU GO AROUND ME, HEAD INTO TRAFFIC AND DIE - DO US ALL A FAVOUR" (not nice, but my netherregions made me say it)

he opens his door again and i see him start to get out of his piece of crap minivan

i yell "YOU ARE GOING TO WANT TO SAVE YOUR LIFE AND STEP BACK INSIDE YOUR PILE OF CRAP CAR RIGHT NOW IF YOU KNOW WHAT IS GOOD FOR YOU!"

he does.

light turns green.

i turn right.

as does he.

he's still behind me. we take the jughandle and are now at a light - he is now on my left side - (his passenger side window DOES roll down)

"YOU'D BETTER LEARN TO F***ING DRIVE, IT'S A RIGHT ON RED LIGHT B**CH."

now, he's screaming like a frigging fishmonger.

i - in my best harpie/fishmonger voice - scream back "LISTEN YOU MISERABLE LITTLE TOOL, I AM IN NO WAY JEOPARDIZING MY $25,000 CAR JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE A BUG UP YOUR ASS AND ARE IN A HURRY. BY THE WAY, NICE DENT ON THIS SIDE OF YOUR CAR!"

light turns green. he gets behind me and is tailgaiting... i tap my brakes to piss him off (oh come on, like you wouldn't snap at this point?) oh, and i may have slowed down to the same speed as the car on my left so he was totally blocked behind us. heh.

then i punched the gas and went into the left lane... and then there was another red light ) seriously i live in a town riddled with traffic lights....

he pulls up next to me on the right. and i hear him saying something through the 1 inch crack of a window and i smile sweetly, flip my american bird at him and mouth " 'f' you, loser"...

he now opens his car door and yells "YOU'RE STILL TALKING CUNT?"

and now, scroll back up to the beginning of the post for what I said back to him....

and then he turned right.... i went straight.

my fallopians high fived each other and my uterus gave a sigh of relief.

3 comments:

kristen said...

Dude.....what a #%*@! I was getting worked up just reading about it. I think I would have risked a dent in my car and slammed into him. I HATE, no LOATHE idiot drivers who a) can't drive worth crap, and b) are so incredibly rude you hope they roll down an embankment and die! Some people should not have licenses.

10 bucks says the guy's an illegal alien.

jaime said...

I like the part about the fallopians high fiving each other and the uterus giving a sigh of relief. Very funny...and seriously, what a big jerk!

Speaking of crayons, did you know that your weather pixie is only wearing a swimming suit today? Showing a little skin are we? Very interesting, foodie. :)

jaime said...

Seriously, what happened to your weather pixie's clothes?